Will The ‘Real God Shady’ Stand Up Please

Every time I watch the news on the Iran-US-Israel war, the song Real Slim Shady comes to my mind, however much I try to block it and search for serious reasons for this war. Consequences, yes but reasons, I am struggling so much.

There is the Israel Zionist movement with its prophecy of end of days. For some of them the whole project of Israel is based on a promise of some real estate by God during times when there were no estate agents, stamp duty or municipal tax let alone mortgages! I have researched endlessly in all the search engines and I can’t find God and God Property Dealers Unlimited, your friendly real estate agent. Or even God and Son or God and daughter! (Even God may have thought ahead of being PC in the age of feminism).

So when was the land made available for a bid and when did the sale take place without exchange of money, isn’t recorded. At least no documents exist on Wikiancient. Apparently, the only condition was that the Jews accept God as the only god and no one else. During those days there was a lot of competition and a great number of an ancient form of spam mail or ID hacking by wannabe gods. Many entities claimed to be messiahs with direct line to God the Big one even through Trump wasn’t even born then.

Israel is on a mission to get that land back in order for the messiah to come down and then the bad world ends giving way to better times! It seems Netanyahu is speeding to bring the date of ‘end of times’ forward stacking up a lot of deaths on the way to have his name etched in history.

But there is another group who have a claim on God’s time or a sort of promise that God allegedly made to mankind (not sure to woman kind and gender assignment kind). This group is the ‘real Christians’ as they call themselves. They now mostly live in the Yuunited Staetus of Ammerikaa. They believe the end of days is nigh, when a rupture will occur in time and space and all the good Christians (the pious ones who have been encouraging death and destruction of unbelievers) will get through. They just need someone to push red nuclear button to bring end of world. They keep on voting red neck American billionaires only to be disappointed. They tried hard during the Iraq war with the help of some mad hat neocons, but the Bush family wasn’t quite ready to travel through this rapture. Besides, there weren’t enough space Ubers at that time. In fact, there were probably none, especially not the self-driven ones.

You don’t want a non-Christian Uber driver (immigrant to US) taking the ‘pious’ through the US Rapture Highway 1 only to be returned at the toll booths or Heaven’s immigration, because the driver is not one of the pious. “Go find a pious driver, or don’t come back!” God’s Heavenland Security immigration officer might thunder! Goddo’s HS Department officers can be even more intimidating than Amerikan immigration officers and worse than Amerikan Homeland Security bods. Believe me, that is possible. Some of the leaders of the hopeful rapturists have been laying hands on Trump’s head and forehead to cajole him to get on with the war. But perhaps because of the Orange wig, the hands are not getting the divine message through. Some want nuclear holocaust and hallelujah, time and space will open up for them.

And there is a third group. Also pious and sure that they are the privileged ones favoured by God. These are the Muslims who also think the Mahdi is coming around this time who will get rid of the infidels make the land sacred again and then curtains open, God will show up. The dead will rise and the good ones will cross over to heaven to enjoy a permanent package holiday which never ends. They were promised this by none other than, yes God Himself!. They too have to bring about the circumstances for the Mahdi and for this great event to happen. Heathens, Kaffirs or infidels like me will be too late to convert and will end up in that permanent hell holiday where hotels are booked but not built, cars continue to have punctures, road have potholes  and the food causes food poisoning with no toilets around due to waiting too long for the delivery boy. Many among the branch of Shia are waiting for the Mahdi. Some Sunni groups are trying to outrace them.

So we have three communities with a lot of ‘death inducing kit’ like missiles and bomber planes and minds with hate, each promised by God the shady, who has never shown his face since Eve came on the scene. According to all three, Adam used to have regular fire side conversations with God. Then Adam asked for a companion. And God created Eve from the spare rib that he had put in man for occasional repairs, just like a spare tyre. Adam instead traded the spare rib for Eve (good bargain bad bargain, only a married man can say). But as soon as Eve showed up, God went into hiding!

Ever since that day, God the He, has given all these promises or insurance policies to mature around this time. It was supposed to be 2000 AD but all prophecy purveyors forgot that the promises were based on the lunar calendar and not the Gregorian one.

This war might end if the real God the shady stands up and tells the world, which promise He really made and whether He did really make a promise. Until then we have three suicidal people dragging all the rest of us into this story. I at least don’t trust driverless Ubers and want to enjoy my pension before end times.

Yet it doesn’t end there. There is an entire Hindu theory about the four juugs. Some Rishi with his Chela is supposed to end this Kaliyuug with something quite powerful. Could be Trump and Putin with all the nuclear arsenal. The big puzzle with all above is, what will happen to the unborn man who leads a large State. Of God it is said, ‘He is neither born nor can He die’. Does it also apply to small h, ‘he is neither born, therefore cannot die’. Except through voter cards maybe!.